Keeping a blog feels like writing chapter outlines for a book — which I do hope to write someday. I’m still just waiting for the “Aha!” moment that can tie it all together. But maybe that’s just a thing of movies and novels. Our life doesn’t really continue with a “happily ever after” when we attain that moment of insight or clarity. We continue to experience bumps along our journey. Sometimes they are like gentle speed bumps that we can easily roll past, and sometimes we bottom out or end up with a flat tire.
I have been reading Marsha Linehan’s memoir, Building a Life Worth Living. (Thanks for sending the free copy, Random House!) I am in love with that title since that’s basically my approach to life. I posted a quote (of a quote) from the book on my IG that I just found myself really resonating with:
“Do not believe that he who seeks to comfort you lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes do you good. His life has much difficulty and sadness…Were it otherwise he would never have been able to find those words.”
Rainer Maria Rilke
I hope that so far my posts have illustrated that some of my pearls of wisdom or words of comfort have had some basis on personal experience in coping with difficulty. I’m sure if you think back to other people in whose words you found comfort, you may realize that they have also encountered some struggles in their life. I don’t believe the type of difficulty or struggle is as important as the feeling associated with it.
When we allow ourselves the space to turn within and observe our experiences with curiosity, then we can learn and grow. You will probably still feel sad, angry, fearful, etc. The moment when you turn within is when you start to understand the why — or more importantly, the what. Observing your emotional, physical, and mental experience helps you to understand what is getting triggered within you.
Answering this what question allows you the opportunity to get to know yourself better. I tell clients that they are their own best expert. But also, sometimes we are our own biggest stranger. We really don’t have the most neutral view of ourselves. We look in the mirror and focus on the most minuscule details that we dislike about ourselves. We harshly judge our quality of work. We believe we are unlovable. This is all while the rest of the world thinks we are perfectly fine — they see our beauty, they value our work, and they love us just as we are. Yet, we still have a hard time believing them.
Being curious about ourselves within our experiences helps us to understand what makes us tick the way we do.
You are able to better understand the real feeling that is being triggered — instead of just thinking you are upset or irritated, you may recognize that you feel sad or hurt. You can then examine if this situation reminds you of something from your past or a theme you keep coming across in your life. You may notice the negative belief that you are holding onto in this situation and maybe even realize where that belief stems from.
This is the point where you can choose to make change.
When you gain awareness about your experience in the moment, you can take a step back and make a conscious decision about how you want to proceed. This is no easy feat but with purposeful practice, it is something that can be achieved. This positive change may take some adjusting for yourself and those around you, as it may look completely different from your usual behavior patterns. However, your most authentic self will really get to shine through in these moments, as you will be responding to situations as the person you want to be today and not the person of the past.
You can start practicing this right now! I invite you to take a moment to observe yourself with curiosity. Do a body/emotional/mental scan. Notice how you physically feel in this moment — what do you notice happening in your body right now? Notice the emotions you feel — dig beyond emotions like “mad” and “upset” and see what the real emotion is underneath it all. Notice the thoughts that are running through your mind — is there a negative belief about yourself that automatically gets shouted out in the back of your mind?
So what do you notice in this moment?
