Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about my journey into private practice. I jumped majors (and dropped a couple minors) during my undergraduate studies. I applied to Arizona State University as a Photography major, entered as a Business major, transitioned to a Journalism major, and eventually made my way to Psychology in time to graduate within four years. Once I decided on Psychology, I knew that private practice was my end goal.
During my journey toward independent licensure, I heard many pieces of advice that were meant to be supportive. However, much of that “support” really served as kindling for the fire of my fear. Looking back on my experience now, there’s an indoctrination that can happen in community mental health agencies. You are made to believe that you cannot survive outside of the agency. You are made to believe that every other agency is the enemy. It was often said that “the grass isn’t greener” outside of that company and often times, even outside of that clinic or program.
I didn’t really have any mentors in the private practice realm while I was working on my license. I had a former professor who would be kind enough to answer my questions when I would contact her after graduation, but she was a Psychologist and did more contract work than long-term therapy. I definitely did not have any BIPOC mentors in the therapy world.
I believed the fear-based messages.
I continued in toxic work environments because I believed that I didn’t have any other options. Honestly, I’m still processing the toll that those experiences took on my body, my mental health, and my relationships. That last year as someone’s “employee” was so awful that I could no longer let fear hold me back. I knew that I had to make a change. I chose to grit my teeth and ticked down the days until I could be free.
The moment that I chose to break free from the fear that had kept me hostage in such an unhealthy environment was really the first moment that I really chose myself in my professional career. I would like to say that this decision made my last year bearable, but honestly it was still pretty terrible. I downloaded an app to countdown until my departure from that place. I looked at it daily…sometimes multiple times a day.
I try hard not to look back on life with regret or “should have’s” – it’s not helpful.
To beat myself up about how I let fear hold me back would be counterproductive and lead to self-sabotage. So, what do we do when we hit that point of self-awareness where we recognize how fear has impacted our life? We pick ourselves up from the ground, dust ourselves off, and take a good look around. We take an objective look at our current situation, and then we look toward the future. We get to decide what path we want to take to get to the life that we want to embrace. The most important thing for us to remember is that we always have choice.
Like Viktor Frankl said, “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
People are often paralyzed by the fear and worry of making the wrong decision. Well, what if you do? What if you made a decision and it didn’t turn out like you expected? You pivot! You don’t have to be stuck. But what if instead of focusing on the worst-case scenario that can come from a decision, we focused on the best-case scenario? The decrease in anxiety will probably help you manage through the newness much better than if you were just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
We want to feel secure in the decisions we make but I’m pretty sure none of us have a crystal ball that is accurately telling the future (email me if you do because I’ve got some questions for it!). Never knowing what the future can hold, we need to turn inward and ask ourselves what we really want in life. Then we make the decision despite the physical and emotional discomfort that comes with anxiety. It takes courage to do something despite the fear. I keep a necklace in my car to remind me of this lesson. It says: Fuck Anxiety.
I’m here to encourage you to say, “Fuck Anxiety!” Hop into the driver’s seat of your life and head towards your goals. We can’t control the other cars, weather, or road conditions — but you get to decide on your destination and route. Choose yourself. And if you are interested in the mental health field, please feel free to reach out! I’m happy to serve as a mentor to anyone who is looking for the added support.
How are you willing to start living the life you want to have despite the fear?
