You know, I have sat down to write this post several times. I originally started this when I went on a quick solo camping trip to Flagstaff in mid-October. At that point, I was reflecting on the passage of time and how much things have changed in the last year. Then I returned to this early on Election Day, as I reflected on the need for a check in and grounding techniques. And now I sit here a couple days post-Election Day, still anxiously awaiting the results and wondering what I’m really looking to say in this post.
This is really to serve as accountability to myself. After an almost two-month hiatus, I’ve been wanting to return to the blog. Honestly, I was feeling burned out. The heaviness of everything we’ve been experiencing was palpable – from COVID-19, social justice issues, to the election.
I felt my creativity suffocate under the weight of it all.
This feeling of burn out smoldering within me and everything happening around us have me feeling drained. My quick trip to Flagstaff was helpful in getting some serious alone time to disconnect and decompress. It was a great prelude to my upcoming birthday trip, where after backpacking the Grand Canyon with friends, I’ll head off to see some beautiful sites by myself. I love quality time alone in nature – I recharge by getting the time to truly reflect on life.
This last year has seen some positive, anxiety-provoking, hurtful, and exciting changes in my life. It’s been an ebb and flow of varying emotions. Throughout that time, I have felt the waves of anxiety, excitement, frustration, hurt, and joy wash over me. Just like ocean waves, these feelings sometimes involved high tides and low tides.
Let’s be honest, they continue to ebb and flow because emotions are natural and to feel emotions means to be alive.
The most important part of this process during the last year has been finding the balance in feeling the emotion while not getting sucked into the dark hole that they may want to drag me down. When we try to ignore or avoid these uncomfortable feelings — like sadness, anxiety, anger, etc — they find their way back to the forefront of our mind with greater force. We need to learn to ride the wave of the emotion – to just notice the feeling, what triggered it, and how it is physically experienced. It reminds me of a quote by Frida Kahlo:
I tried to drown my sorrows, but the bastards learned how to swim, and now I am overwhelmed by this decent and good feeling.
Frida Kahlo
So, as we use this post as an opportunity to check in, I’ll ask you to turn your attention inward. Take a moment to close your eyes, take a deep inhale, and do a physical and emotional scan. There is no right or wrong answer for what you find during this scan. Whatever you are currently feeling is valid and okay. Once we check in and find how we feel, we can decide how we want to proceed – just starting with the moment that we are currently in.
As I take a deep inhale and scan my body and emotions, I notice that I feel more relaxed than I have all week. I notice that while my shoulders are relaxed, my right eye continues its random twitching, which is usually my sign of stress. I notice that emotionally I feel happy and hopeful and that I experience it as a lightness within me. I’m going to take these good feelings and put them towards posting this blog on my website.
What do you notice in yourself and what do you want to do with that feeling?
