I decided I needed to break up this blog about my birthday into two posts. I wanted to express my feelings about my birthday and also share the lessons learned while on my trip. What you will find below is something I wrote on my actual birthday.
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It seems that no matter what situation I’m in, I experience this feeling of existential loneliness whenever my birthday rolls around. I’ve always been surrounded by love, so it’s really an unfounded feeling.
But literally like clockwork, when November 18th rolls around, I’m filled with dread, disappointment, and loneliness. Luckily, the feeling doesn’t last long beyond that day.
This is why I started traveling for my birthday.
It accidentally started 7 years ago, when I happened to be in London for a short-term study abroad program while in a PsyD program. But it purposefully started three years ago, when I was dealing with that constant anxiety post-breakup mentioned in my last blog.
I had just started hiking and knew I would need the distraction on my “special” day, so I headed to Utah to visit Zion National Park and Bryce Canyon National Park. I hiked Angel’s Landing on my birthday, which was a tough enough hike to get my mind off of everyday life
Fast forward to this year: My birthday feels quite different. This last year has been so strange — a mix of loss and growth — that I expected my day to hit me hard.
Maybe it’s because I had a different start by backpacking the Grand Canyon with friends before heading off on my own, but I actually felt quite seen and loved by everyone. That trip deserves its own blog post.
After the backpacking trip, I decided to head off on my own to Valley of Fire State Park and Death Valley National Park. As I drove through Death Valley today, I wondered why I chose to spend my actual birthday here.
It hit me — I was ready for a rebirth.
I’ve come to appreciate all of the moments in life that led me to exactly where I am sitting this moment. It is easy to appreciate the good moments but much more difficult to find value in our difficulties. But if I had never struggled, I would not have embraced my adventurous spirit, become so dedicated to destigmatizing mental health and to dismantling systemic oppression within the mental health field, or felt so full of love for my family, friends, and community.
I feel like a snake, shedding its old skin and ready to slither out of hiding and be seen in all my shiny glory. Can you tell I don’t actually know anything about snakes? Basically, I mean that I’m choosing to drop the bullshit that’s held me back in the past.
What a waste of time to doubt yourself!
It has been such a wonderful experience to not feel the burden of those birthday blues this year. Instead of that existential loneliness, I’m left feeling connected to my family, friends, community, nature, and Self. This birthday and overall trip, really helped to teach me a lesson in independence versus reliance. It was a very healing experience for me. More on that lesson in Part II.
In the meantime, I encourage you to shake off that old snake skin. I hope you will allow yourself to shed the old, unhelpful narratives you’ve held onto about yourself. Let go of the labels and unkind words you’ve called yourself. Embrace the beauty that has developed underneath it all.
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