Birthday Trip Part 3: The Beginning

I know I initially said this was a two-part series but here we are. I couldn’t write about my birthday trip without writing about my backpacking experience. I thought that backpacking the Grand Canyon was going to be the highlight of my trip. Before, during, and after the experience, I was certain that all the lessons I had to learn on my birthday trip happened while hiking those 20 miles down and up the south rim of the Grand Canyon. While my experience of being stranded in Death Valley National Park eclipsed everything else that happened on that trip, it doesn’t lessen the beauty of the overall experience.

This was going to be my second time backpacking. Since starting my journey in the outdoors as a way to face my daily anxiety back in 2017, I’ve camped several times (alone and with friends), hiked on trails in the Valley and in National Parks nearby, and backpacked Havasupai. Overall, I really started to embrace the outdoors. However, I felt really uncertain about this Grand Canyon trip.

The year I backpacked Havasupai (2018) was also the year that I completed the 52-Hike Challenge. I was a little burned out and slowed down in the frequency of my hikes in the year that followed. Now, we all know how 2020 has been and much like many other people out there, I’ve spent the last 9 months doing a lot of sitting.

At the start of the quarantine, I was taking daily walks around the neighborhood. I avoided my favorite hiking trails as they became even more populated than before with everyone looking for an excuse to leave their homes. Our beautiful Spring quickly turned into a blazing Summer and I spent much of my time indoors – working from home and trying to remember to at least do a little yoga every now and then. This was the case until June when I threw out my back while cleaning out the cat’s litterbox. I was out of commission for almost a month.

My friends approached me with this two-night camping trip at the bottom of the Grand Canyon back in August. I think I even initially turned them down as I was still trying to be very careful with my back. My experience at Havasupai was beautiful but absolutely exhausting and painful. I can still remember how badly my neck, shoulders, and back hurt from my backpack – a pain that started as soon as we descended into the canyon. I thought, there’s no way I can (or want to) ever hike with a backpack like that again. I figured, backpacking just wasn’t for me and I would stick to regular ol’ hiking instead.

I have had the good fortune of being able to surround myself with the most loving of people. My hiking friends are no exception. I call them all Mountain Goats because they hike up and down mountain peaks with such ease and elegance. They make the toughest of hikes look beautifully effortless. Well, these Mountain Goat friends are also the most supportive bunch. They have never made me feel like an annoyance, a weenie, or any other negative belief my anxiety wants to call me when I am dragging far behind the group.

So, they kept encouraging me that I could complete this hike too.

Finally, in mid-October I agreed. I have to admit, I did NO TRAINING besides filling up my backpack and walking around my neighborhood. I didn’t hike, I didn’t up the cardio, I didn’t do more squats. Nada. You know where this is going, right?

Their plan for the Grand Canyon perfectly aligned with my birthday week. I figured it would be a great way to start my birthday trip. I would get to spend quality time with friends before heading off on my own to Valley of Fire and Death Valley.

The morning of the hike down into the Grand Canyon via Kaibab trail was a chilly one. Our excitement kept us warm as we strapped on our crampons and headed down into the canyon. We stopped for pictures and admired the snow-covered canyon. I reveled at the realization that my backpack didn’t feel as cumbersome as I expected. In fact, it felt quite manageable. The Boys went at their usual Mountain Goat speed, while my dear friend, Julia stuck with me. Our first stop at Ah-Ha point was fun, as we met up with The Boys for a break and photos.

Once we got back on the trail, I realized that my knees were starting to hurt. Luckily, as I was gathering my belongings from my car in the parking lot that morning, I came across my knee brace. I’ve been struggling with my left knee since my days of Bikram Yoga 4x/week back in 2013-2014. I had forgotten about this knee brace but was smart enough to keep it in the Jeep at all times, just in case. I had put this brace on my left knee, as I normally did but once we reached our next rest stop, I had to switch it to my right knee.

I asked Julia for a longer rest at this stop in order to give my knees a break. We briefly connected with The Boys before they continued on their way. Honestly, the pain was becoming excruciating at this point and I was questioning my ability to continue. The anxiety was starting to build as I wondered how I could make it to the bottom…or maybe I should head back up to the top and call it quits early. As I silently, mulled over my options, a helicopter landed near us to assist a woman who happened to be sitting behind us and was also struggling with knee pain. She was airlifted out of the canyon and as I watched them go, I thought, I wonder if they can take me with them.

My steps became smaller, slower, and more cautious as we continued down toward the bottom of the canyon. I tried my best to keep the complaining to a minimum but once we saw the half-way point sign, both Julia and I realized that the trail was much longer than we thought. My brain broke. The negative thoughts in my head became much louder as I tried to reconcile with the fact that I still had so much farther to go: HOW MUCH LONGER?? I CAN’T DO THIS! I AM IN SO MUCH PAIN!! AM I EVER GOING TO MAKE IT?? I NEED TO STOP COMPLAINING. I CAN’T STOP COMPLAINING. JULIA IS GOING TO THROW ME OFF THIS CLIFF IF I DON’T STOP COMPLAINING… Meanwhile, poor, sweet Julia kept trying to encourage me that we were nearing our destination.

The hike down to Bright Angel campground was one of the most beautiful hikes I’ve ever done but boy was it hard to enjoy when I was struggling to just lift my feet to take each step. I felt such relief when we reached the bridge over the Colorado River. It was the most incredible sight and I wish I could have sat in the middle of that bridge and admired the view for hours. Luckily, crossing the bridge also meant that we were practically at our campsite. Two of The Boys came out to meet us and one of them was kind enough to take my backpack for me. Unfortunately, that didn’t mean I could walk any faster or with any greater ease.

When we got to our campsite, one of the guys helped me to setup my tent and then we all went to visit Phantom Ranch and get some snacks at their little store. I was still in such excruciating pain that it was hard to enjoy the walk through the campground. I tried my best to keep the complaints as inside thoughts and refocus on the beauty around me. I focused on the sounds of the creek nearby and admired the colors of the canyon as the sunset accentuated the beautiful red tones of the earth around us.  In the evening, we enjoyed our time together as a group – having dinner and drinking whiskey under a clear, star-speckled sky.

That first night of sleep was rough.

Sleeping on the ground is never really comfortable but I especially struggled to sleep that night. Every toss and turn meant more sharp pain shooting from my knees. I hurt if my legs were straight and I hurt if I bent them – don’t even get me started on trying to go from bent to straight. I hurt just thinking about it. At least the sound of rushing water in the creek muffled my yelps of pain and served as a nice distraction.

I hoped that the morning would bring a relief from the pain in my knees or at least from the pain in the soles of my feet (did I mention that hurt too?). No such luck. After breakfast, we made our way to play by the Colorado River. My friends insisted it was a moment that couldn’t be missed so I dragged behind them trying to keep any little hiccups of pain quiet. I am glad I can say that I touched the Colorado River in the Grand Canyon. After breaking camp, we started on the 6-mile trek to our next campsite – Indian Garden Campground.

It was a miserable 6 miles of practically dragging my feet to take each step. The hike between campsites really wasn’t very difficult but with everything hurting from the waist down, it felt almost impossible to accomplish. The plan upon arrival was to drop off our bags and head to a lookout point to catch the sunset. The Boys, of course, had taken off quickly when we got on the trail, while I dragged behind Julia. By the time we arrived at the campground, the sun was already starting to creep lower. I encouraged the group to go ahead without me so I could setup my tent while there was still sunlight and relax.

I’m pretty sure my legs would have revolted, detached themselves from my body, and rolled away if I had tried to add on any unnecessary steps that day.

Now let’s fast-forward past dinner, a restless night of sleep with many animal sounds, and the start of the hike out in the morning (which I started on my own for the briefest moment of a head start). The group quickly caught up and passed me. I was at snail’s pace, so I asked Julia to go ahead of me and just look back every now and then to make sure I was still on the right trail. It was such a beautiful hike that I wish I could have enjoyed more. There was so much greenery around and we had to cross steams of water, which was fun. I was certain that I was going to slip right into that water at one point, as I took cautious steps from one rock to another while trying to hold onto some sense of physical balance. There was a couple resting under a tree right by the water, which added to my nervousness and unsteadiness. Luckily, I made it across without incident.

It was the last…4? 6? 932748916234?…miles that were a complete mind-fuck

I really should have re-read the book Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail by Cheryl Strayed before my trip because I just kept thinking about her as I struggled to take each ascending step up the canyon. I went from appropriately using my trekking poles to using them as a walker – hauling myself up with each step. There was no right or better way for me to take those steps because it hurt to bend either knee. I resorted to just swinging my right leg up each step because I couldn’t bear to bend it anymore. No matter how far I was from the top, I just kept telling myself, “One more mile. You can make it one more mile.”

As each mile passed and the end was still nowhere in sight, I started to panic. I could feel the anxiety building inside of my chest. My breathing became shallow and the tightening sensation in my throat started creeping in. I refused to stop and take a break because it was just going to make it worse. So, I didn’t really rest after Julia and I had met for a quick snack break early on in the hike.

Noticing all of these physical manifestations of anxiety starting to build in my body took me back to my experience hiking out of Havasupai. Those last two miles of brutal switchbacks had me thinking I would never make it out. I was hyperventilating so bad that I was wheezing, as tears streamed down my cheeks and I screamed in my head, “I CAN’T MAKE IT.” I was determined to not repeat history. Whenever I felt that anxiety start to creep in, I would stop in my tracks for a moment, take a deep inhale, slowly exhale, and tell myself “You can make it one more mile.”

And I did.

One small, slow, cautious, painful step at a time, and I made it to the top of the canyon. Unfortunately, the top of the trail was icy, and I had found my crampons to be much too heavy for me to wear. At the last sharp ascent, I started to slip. I think the family that stopped to let me pass saw the terror in my eyes, as I was certain they were about to witness me slipping right off that trail. Luckily, a couple of The Boys came down to help. I burst into tears from being overwhelmed, exhausted, and anxious. They took my bag, which allowed me to have better balance in order to haul myself up the last few steps.

Even writing this brings me a big sigh of relief!

We all headed to Flagstaff for a celebratory group dinner before heading our separate ways. It was at dinner that I learned why my friends came down to help me up those last few steps out of the canyon. When dear, sweet Julia got to the top, she asked The Boys to go help me. She was well aware of how much I was struggling on that hike. Let’s just say she didn’t stand for their initial dismissal of the request and I absolutely love her for that.

You know I’m always looking to find a lesson in the difficulty. My experience didn’t teach me any new lessons, but it helped to strengthen lessons from the past. I was reminded of the importance of friendship and solid support systems. I had been pretty anxious throughout the trip because of my slow pace but just kept reminding myself that my friends would not have been so insistent or encouraging of me to join them for this trip if they didn’t want me there and if they didn’t believe in me. My success is their success. I even received a really kind birthday message from one of them about how impressed they were with me on this trip.

I was also reminded to embrace my inner Bad Ass.

Despite the physical pain, mental exhaustion, and emotional battle – I made it! I made it because I was DETERMINED to make it. I have the tendency to minimize some of my experiences because I’m “not good” at _______. But guess what? You don’t have to be good at something to still accomplish it. My effort, hard work, and resilience are what really matter! No one expected me…nor do I expect anyone else…to make it out of the Grand Canyon without breaking a sweat. I can conquer whatever it is that I choose to conquer – and I’m here to tell you that so can you! So what will you choose to conquer?