Today marks my first anniversary of working from home. It’s certainly not an anniversary I ever thought I would have and doesn’t feel like a celebratory event.
I’ve been reflecting on what the last year has been like for me. I remember that when the pandemic first went down, I was scared. When I heard about restaurants and other businesses being forced to close, I decided that the most responsible and safest way for me to proceed with my work was to also refrain from in-person sessions.
Honestly, I was even too scared to go into my office for my telehealth sessions. I didn’t trust that the people still going into the building were adhering to safety guidelines and CDC recommendations. Plus, the internet connection was pretty terrible at my office. So, I packed up the important items from my office and setup shop in my studio apartment that I was living in at the time.
We all thought this was going to be temporary. Several clients canceled, as they didn’t want to meet via video call and said they would just wait the two weeks until we were back in person. As the weeks ticked by with no end in sight, these clients started to come back, and my phone began ringing off the hook with new client requests. I had to scramble to figure out how to change my entire practice into an online format (intake paperwork, better video platform, etc)
Those first few weeks were rough.
Hour after hour, I would try my best to help my clients process and find how to cope with this sudden quarantine life that the pandemic forced upon us. I sat with my clients as they discussed their fears and worries, which generally speaking, is no problem – that’s what I’m here for. However, I would get done with work only to continue the same conversations with friends and family. I felt so overwhelmed by everyone’s fears, let alone my own. I felt completely drained. To cope, I started painting on the weekends and spending my after-work hours laying under a weighted blanket. I used books, movies, and TV shows as a way to escape our current reality.
Over time, I found a good flow of self-care activities and ways to safely stay in touch with friends and family. And then the murder of George Floyd happened. As a White-passing Latina, I’ve experienced racism but nothing close to what others in the BIPOC community experience. Watching that video touched a deep sadness in me…and a burning rage.
It reminded me of the abuses I experienced while working in community mental health. It reminded me of the racism experienced in schools. This rage left me with little patience for the ignorance of others, especially in the mental health community. I was so disappointed to learn that there are SO MANY racist therapists out there. Like….how?? It just doesn’t compute in my head how you can go into this field to help others while willingly maintaining systems of oppression.
I also used this rage to look in the metaphorical mirror and find how I have also put my head down and adhered to this oppression. Doing the work to fight racism isn’t just about posting MLK quotes and donating here and there. Doing the work is looking internally and seeing how you have benefited or chosen to ignore these systems of oppression and white supremacy. I continue to reflect on a family history of internalized oppression and working to understand its roots. I’ve spent the last year building deeper connections in the Latinx community and learning more about my cultural background.
Feeling inspired by the Black Lives Matter protests over the summer, I reached out to my former employer’s CEO to inform him of the racism I experienced there. Instead of responding, he forwarded that email to the Vice President of Human Resources (who had also been awful when I worked there). She sent me a very dismissive email. I replied with suggestions on how to make significant change beyond a performative statement on being anti-racist, because that was really what I was looking to work on with them. No response. [insert crickets chirping]
If you follow my blog or even my social media accounts, you know that in the fall and winter, I finally found my way back to the outdoors. I camped, hiked, backpacked, road tripped, got stranded, and road tripped some more. Engaging in these activities helped me to feel like myself again. Nature soothes and grounds me in such an incredible way.
Luckily, I can say that my mental health is much better now that not every conversation is about the pandemic. I have a great network of colleagues where I can find support around burn out and addressing racism in the mental health field. I eventually moved into a bigger space that allows me to have an office at home, which Banksy the Cat hates being locked out of. I really enjoy working from home and the convenience that telehealth offers my clients, as they can do sessions from home, work, their car, etc.
Don’t worry, my rage about racism and oppression is still a little flame that I carry inside of me. That flame might not always be a roaring blaze, because that is exhausting and not helpful to anyone, but it still burns as I continue to address these issues. It would be remiss of me to not mention the recent mass murder and attacks on our Asian community. I feel that rage burn brighter as I see posts regarding this recent incident and how it’s being dismissed by some. Mostly, I find it problematic that the conversation has been about discrimination against “Asian Americans” when not all Asians in the United States are American and therefore, aren’t even provided the benefits of citizenship. There is a long history of discrimination against Asians and it impacts all of the Asian community, not just those in the US or those considered “American.”
As I look forward for what’s to come for me and Therapy Girl LLC, I consider the impact I want to have on my community. I know that to continue to do my own inner work will lead to better work for my clients. Continuing to engage in creative outlets, speaking up against injustice, connecting with nature, and finding the meaning in the difficulty are all activities that feed my soul. I will continue to provide therapy via telehealth because while I am vaccinated, it is still the safest and most responsible way to provide therapy to my clients. And I sure as hell will continue to work to uplift the BIPOC, and especially the Latinx, community through my work with clients, with the Los Diablos Scholarship program at Arizona State University, and through my networking events.
Happy Work-From-Home Anniversary to me (and maybe you too!). Now, let’s roll up those sleeves and continue doing the work to positively impact our community!
